In Between Baby Cribs n’ Other Needs

There’s a lot to be prepared for the newborn-baby soon (2 months to go!), but so far we haven’t prepared anything YET! In between clueless, difficulty in finding time to shop (to ITC – much cheaper than shopping in malls), and being careful in planning our budget and expense..
Nevertheless, step by step I gain many valuable inputs from my work colleagues whom in average have got children, and I thank God for this. I’m planning to custom-made our baby crib too with my friend’s husband (we can save a lot rather than buying one at Mothercare or Cottoniere), and these are some pictures of baby cribs that I love

Penelope Pink Pottery Barn Baby Crib – would love the underneath drawers to be a lil’ bit higher so we can store more things

Pink Harper Pottery Barns – I have weakness for pinkish baby room

During our financial difficulty like now, every Rupiah counts! Sometimes I grumble and can’t help myself to complain (like last night), at other times I am ‘stronger’ and enjoying the art of saving and buying things wisely. Well, like I said to my husband yesterday, things could go even worse, but we are safe in His mighty hands. He can bring out something good (especially to our innerself -spirit & soul) throughout these challenges.
I’m just very grateful for many caring friends and a faithful husband to be beside me and work all this out together. Some people are unexpectedly giving their help and I’m just amazed by how God’s showing His love through them…
Lord, use me & my husband to be Your hands and feet. So from us they can see Your love too..

Thank You so much God, help us to be faithful towards You alone.
Love You Jesus.

“Time of Gethsemane”

We’re still undergoing difficult times for these couple of months… We’re still struggling in our financial meanwhile our baby is due soon on September.. Nothing else we can do other than giving our best effort and surrender to God…

 

Nevertheless God is still and always faithful. Monday this week I received God’s comfort and revelation from Matthew 26:36-46, when Jesus struggled and prayed in Gethsemane.

I have known this story before I was born again in the Lord, even since I was a kid, but this time these verses really touched me in a different way than before.

I was so touched and amazed by how focused Jesus was in pleasing the heart of God even sacrificing His own wills (and to the point of His death, and not for something He did either).

"Longing to Please God the Father"

He told James and John that night how His soul was so crushed with grief to the point of death (v.38) yet His own disciples didn’t really get what He truly felt that night; how anguished He was, they even fell asleep eventhough He had asked them to watch and pray with Him. More or less I could imagine how troubled and sad He was at that night, with noone to understand how He truly felt…

He prayed the same prayer for three times, before then He understood His will wasn’t God’s will… While Jesus was still on earth, He had a very intimate relationship with His Father, He knew exactly what pleases God’s heart and could discern which God’s wills or not… He could accept the truth that God wouldn’t set Him free from His betrayers…

He said in v.45-46, “Go ahead and sleep. Have your rest. But look – the time has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hand of sinners. Up, let’s be going. Look, my betrayer is here!”

He was finally ready and accepted “God’s cup” for Him…

 

After I read these that night and now everytime I ponder back on these verses, I felt somehow God is giving me comfort and desire to follow Jesus’ example, on how much He wanted me to please Him – not for His ego, but for my own goodness!

I still can’t figure out God’s plan behind all my trials, even last night I cried asking patience to endure ‘imperfectness’ in my life. But I can feel the Holy Spirit within me, pouring out a new desire to my heart to surrender and trust God wholly, to persevere and just focus on pleasing Him. All the imperfectness that I’m having now is PERFECT in God’s eyes because they are all according to His plan. His plans are higher than my own plans, and His plans are all the best and will only bring hope and future in my life.

Please pray for our (me & my husband) faith to be strengthen day-by-day, and not having negative view on what seems like ‘negative circumstances’… God bless and love you all readers

“My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from Me. Yet I want Your will to be done, not Mine” – Matthew 26:39

 

 

Journey on a Boat “Part 2″

I become to understand taking a trip in a boat and get out of it does not happen only once in a while. I actually have gone out of that boat many times throughout my life. If days ago I wrote, I’d better prefer to stay in the boat after what has happened recently, now I realize I AM out of the boat already when I made the decision months ago! I realize getting out of the boat DID make me growing. I am what I am today because I’ve gone out of the boat many times before, following where God’s leading me, whether I am aware or not.

I did go out of the boat, to name a few, when:

- I chose to enter a high school with highest standard in my neighbourhood. I was afraid at the beginning, afraid to have failing grades at this school well-known for its ‘extreme difficulty’, but then by God’s grace I graduated succesfully; my fear has been proven false – it was only fear; not a fact. If I never went out of the boat of  ‘playing safe and living mediocre life’, I’d never know doing things diligently and learn to be discipline and under pressure.

- I chose to continue my study to overseas, leaving my family behind, leaving neighbourhood that I’ve been familiar with since my first twenty years of life. I ended up to love Melbourne, it is my second home for the last eight years. Moreover, I found the One who created me there, the One who has sacrificed Himself at the cross to prepare for me my True Home in Heaven. If I never went out of the boat of my home’s comfort, I’d never learn the rich experience of being independent, the beauty of friendships with brothers and sisters in Christ, and the other side of a different yet interesting lifestyle. 

- I chose someone who is now my fiance, who soon will be my husband. I chose him two years ago risking my heart and life, depending only on God’s faithfulness in guiding me. If I never went out of the boat to be with him, I’d never know the beauty of true love and marriage in God.

What a true and precious treasure I’ve gained by getting out of my boat, choices that I’ve made at the past had shaped me to become what I am now!

So, now here is the case:

- When I chose to open up my own business, then I can’t say that this one is succesful. If I never went out of the boat ‘taking risk to achieve my dream’; what things I’d never know about? 

This is my homework.

I believe I will be able to list even more things after that, things that will reflect how faithful God is in my life!

It’s just now, I have new opinion: I have agreed to what John Ortbeg said in his book (read Journey on a Boat ‘Part 1′) – we do have to go out from the boat to have our faith tested, to taste the true living as a Christian who always depend on God’s grace and mercy!

I realize I don’t want to be ‘Boat Potatoes’ . Reading this paragraph below makes me scared of ‘living a bored and wasted life’:

'The Boat Potato'

The common cold of the soul.

To sinful patterns of behavior that never get confronted and changed,

Abilities and gifts that never get cultivated and deployed-

Until weeks become months, and months turn into years,

And one day you’re looking back on a life of

Deep intimate gut-wrenchingly honest conversationns you never had;

Great bold prayers you never prayed,

Exhilarating risks you never took,

Sacrificial gifts you never offered,

Lives you never touched,

And you’re sitting in a recliner with a shriveled soul, and forgotten dreams,

And you realize there was a world of desperate need,

And a great God calling you to be part of something bigger that yourself-

You see the person you could have become but did not;

You never followed your calling.

You never got out of the boat.

There is no tragedy like the tragedy of the unopened gift.

I have agreed with You until this point, Lord. That yes, I do have to get out of the boat, to come and walk on the water. I MUST, if I want to live a life meaningfully; one that I’ve been asking six years ago before then You came and answered my prayer…

Go on, Lord. Continue to talk to me through this book… and thank You God, I love You.

Journey on Boat “Part 1″

I haven’t got through the fear completely, I have to admit… Because I haven’t found the real solution to the problem I’m having now, and this problem is one I’ve never experienced before.. It involves M.O.N.E.Y…
To be honest, all other problems I had before never produced fear as much as this one… Have you experienced one?

I should’ve known taking risk to open up my own business will involve this kind of thing, and I wasn’t prepared..
I was disappointed with ‘failures’ I have, and I sort of blaming God. I prayed before I made the move, and I thought things would go smoothly, but the reality turned out different… I was naïve, huh… But that’s really the truth of my feeling atm… It takes courage to finally confess this disappointment here, now…

I’m reading John Ortbeg ‘If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out Of the Boat’. The main theme is when Peter had to walk on water, out of his boat, to come to Jesus when there were big storm crashing his boat. First of all, a question came to my mind. I may not be brave enough to ask any question for the human who’s walking on the water approaching my boat, or even to engage in a conversation with Him…

Getting hit by a big storm at 3 A.M is very scary already, let alone seeing somebody walk ON the water coming to my way! (And I guess I’m not alone, the other 11 disciples were also scared, thinking the water-walker was a ghost!)

But what make Peter dare himself to say to Jesus, “If it is You, command me to come to you on the water”?

That is the first thought to ponder.

Second, I was thinking, I’d prefer to stay in the boat and let the man went pass by. Why was Peter brave enough to go out of the boat?

I had always dreamed to live a life differently since I was in high school. I had always known that ‘life isn’t just like this, there is more’. But then I’ve felt the heavy burden of taking the risk, the struggle I face after I got out of my boat (my comfort zone), and I am so afraid, really afraid now facing the consequences.

Maybe that’s why in this scene, I picture myself to rather stay in the boat unlike Peter. If you question me years ago (or even last year before I face the reality of major struggle like I’m having now), I might say, “Yes! I would do like what Peter did! I would ‘challenge’ the water-walker, I would get out of my boat and experienced a new adventure walking on water!”

That passion is now gone… I haven’t got back enough courage…

Well, for now this is what I can share… I still haven’t got the answers that are personal to my questions at above. Please pray for me, readers… I don’t know what’s the solution to my problem yet… It looks like a dead-end… For now I really depend on God’s mercy and faithfulness, praying for new hope every morning I wake up. He is still good, and always good, in the midst of my problems He still gives me many reasons to smile and laugh. I know He will provide a way out, in His time, in His creative way.

Nitey Nite! God bless you all

God’s Waiting Room

Being in God’s waiting room feels so long for me at the moment… “Until When?” is the question that often pops up in my mind… Then today I’m feeling a bit low on this Ramadhan day… After many years, this is my first time to be in Jakarta in this ‘Lebaran moment’… It triggers some memories back in the past… I remember I used to spend this long holiday season with my family going out to overseas or cities within Indo. Now as I see some teenagers happily updating their status in FB or BB, stating they’re going out for holiday with their family to overseas (Europe or Japan, how fun!), I can’t hide the sad feeling how I want to experience the same with my family… Beautiful places in overseas are just a bonus for me. What’s more important is the opportunity to spend our time together, enjoying the togetherness as a family. I don’t mind to have our time together in Indo either. Going to Bali, Puncak, Bandung – anywhere, I don’t mind. Even just to enjoy a happy family dinner together at home - I don’t mind. But… I don’t have all. I can’t remember when was the last time I experienced these moments… Moments that now can only be in my own imagination…

Lord, when will You bring back my family together as one…? When, Lord…?

I really want to enjoy being in Your waiting room, knowing that You, with the breakthroughs and surprises, will show up. But I’m starting to grow weary, God…

Hard Days on Earth

My blog in WordPress is equipped with a tool that allows me to see keywords that people typed that could lead them unintentionally to my blog, and just now I see one person typed this: “my faith is weak and I feel God’s not listening”. It’s funny because that is what I’m also feeling at the moment!

Waiting for my rainbow...

I don’t know which of my blog entries that he/she finally read that is related with the keywords, but I pray may Holy Spirit help him/her to stand up strong once again and not giving up; the same prayer that I pray for myself at the moment…

I found a prayer journal that I had written way back in 2007-2008.. I see many prayers still go unanswered, especially for breakthrough in my family… Many things in my family lately that also troubled me… I was angry toward my parents… I am really disappointed with the way they behave and nurture this family…

Then to be honest, days ago I felt disappointed with God deep inside my heart… I felt He didn’t answer my prayer on time, and He remained ‘silent’ for too long when I needed a fast answer to make a decision asap… I still believe in my heart that He is a faithful God, a God who will give me hope for my future, not plans to harm me… But I couldn’t help myself for not having the wrong assumption toward God as I described above…

I long for the time when I don’t have to be disappointed with any things that my parents do to me and my life. Time to rejoice AT ALL TIMES, irrespective whether their act and decision favourable or not favourable toward me…

I’m waiting for God’s deliverance… I’m waiting for a day of revelation… Things surround me may not change, but I’m willing for God to open my eyes and change my heart, giving me a new heart to face these troubles… I’m willing to breathe easily again…

“Does not man have hard service on earth? Are not his days like those of a hired man?

Like a slave longing for the evening shadows, or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages,

so I have been allotted months of futility, and nights of misery have been assigned for me.

What is man that You make so much of him, that You give him so much attention,

that You examine him every morning and test him every moment?

Will You never look away from me, or let me alone for an instant?

If I have sinned, what have I done to You, O Watcher of men?

Why have You made me Your target? Have I become a burden to You?

Why do You not pardon my offences and forgive my sins?

For I shall soon lie down in the dust, You will search for me, but I shall be no more”

Job 7:1-3, 17-21

“Hello Home”

I’ve arrived in Jkt on last week’s Saturday night, had spent several days in Singapore, meeting my twin best friend n went to Universal Studio On my flight from Melbourne to Singapore, I opened the scrapbook that MCA 2 gave me for more than once, I really love it! It even made me cried last night…

I was so stressed out yesterday… I couldn’t get help from my dad when I need him with the wedding preparation, it really made me sad plus disappointed… Then I’m also still questioning God whether I really belong in Indo… With road that seems difficult in front of me, I’m questioning God what is my true purpose to be here? Purpose that will be able to ‘force’ me to keep walking forward even though I have to give extra effort and struggle, even with pain and tears…

If my husband-to-be can be rest assured this is the place that God has entrusted for him, why haven’t I found the same assurance as stronger as his? 

O Lord, please help me, lead my way, hold my hand… I cannot see what You’re seeing at the moment, but I’m willing to!

I feel like a baby at the moment… I know nothing, I don’t know what’s best for me, what should I do… I’m feeling like I’m learning to crawl and walk step by step again…

God please guide me… Calm my heart with Your assurance that Your presence is really going with me even though my faith is weak… Give me boldness like Moses had in Exodus 33… to say that I won’t go forward if I cannot see You are with me in the place I’m going… to say that I won’t keep walking with a courageous heart if Your real presence isn’t with me…

Show me Your purpose, show me Your divine direction, give me divine vision, Lord… and then when I eventually receive one, give me a trusting heart to simply follow You with a steadfast faith in You and not relying on what my physical eyes see, just like Your message in ‘Back to Basic’ Winter Camp only a month ago….

Struggling

Sick. I am sick. Sick of myself. This year I feel I struggle extra to live a life filled with thanksgiving everyday. It shouldn’t be hard because I know that God has blessed me abundantly, but why still in many occassions I complain? During the last months especially. Many times I wonder whether my friends, people around me, sometimes also including my bf, really love me… And again, I know they love me (otherwise they wouldn’t even talk to me) but I still feel I’m lacking… I understand we talk different love languages, yet it’s hard for me to accept it the way it is… I want them to love me the way I want them to… In my love languages… It’s hard for me to accept them as an unique individual… It seems I can’t stop this feeling of self-pity, comparing, complaining, deep inside my heart… They’re all rubbish and I don’t want them in my heart, but it is so hard to get rid of it!

God, please help… I just want to live in joy, in love, full of praise and thanksgiving…

Since when I am turning into this? I don’t want this… I want it to stop…

I want to be able to love people with all my heart the same way You have loved me… But it is so hard if what I do is paying attention to my ownself and wanting myself to be satisfied with love from human…

This lesson of life is hard… Why can I be satisfied in You alone…? I’m struggling…

Lord, please help me… Get rid of this evil side of me…

I Need You in Person…

I need God’s fresh living water to overwhelm me.

To just forget about what I’m struggling against with, and be immersed in his fresh living water, to simply enjoy the simplicity walking in His grace.

Why is it so hard sometimes to just receive? To just believe?

I am weak. I am so imperfect. Let God’s glory shine even more through my weaknesses.

O Lord, please reach out my hand and let me walk closely to Your side.

Let me feel once again the joy to simply sit at Your feet.

Refresh me once again God. I need You more than ever. I need more of You.

I want to love You all over again.

Reach out my hand and touch my heart O Lord…

Let me feel the warmth of Your embrace

The Only Resource Left: Prayer!

Kejadian yg kaya gini sptnya ga asing lg… Dulu jg pernah gt… Di saat aku mnt smuanya baik2 aja, kok yg terjadi malahan makin ada2 aja (mslhnya)..*sigh… Sampe sempet kepikir cape, terserah deh mau kaya gimana jdnya, I don’t care… tp yg plg aku bs lakuiin saat ini cuma doa aja, dan kl itupun aku mau nyerah, mau jdnya gmn…? Could I really not care over my own family?