“Back to Basic”

Last night before I slept the Lord spoke to me this, verses that I got from the sermon I heard in the previous hours:

“If anyone comes to Me, he must hate.. even his own life. Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be My disciples” – Luke 14:26,33 <NIV>

“Any of you who does not forsake (renounce, surrender claim to, give up, say good-bye to) all that he has cannot be My disciple” <AMP>

The Message’s translation said this for the verse 33, “Simply put, if you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can’t be My disciple”

He put desire in my heart to really meditate these two verses after for so long I haven’t meditated anymore straightaway verses I got from sermons once I got home unless it was necessary (and that ‘necessary’ was very much lesser compared to my early walk as Jesus-lover five years ago…)

Give up everything, Lord?

Yes, EVERYTHING, Nat… Give up your control of money, time, relationship with your loved ones, hobbies, interests… Give up YOUR LIFE…

As I’m writing this my heart’s broken… Lord, when have I stopped loving You? I mean, really loving You?

Why do I love You with the same shallow love as years gone by? Has it gotten deeper? Has it become lesser? And what’s more important, is it even called as ‘love’?

Love that is burning, love that is truly adoring You,  love that is different with a simple gratitude of Your goodness… Love that enable me to give up everything into Your hands with a sincere heart? Love that put You in the highest place of my time, my money, my priorities, my plans, my loved ones?

Lord, save me… When can I love You differently? How can I know that I have loved You differently?

I don’t want to be trapped in the circle of religion… and to give it up eventually because of boredom… or to be living well but my spirit’s dying inside… to be a zombie…

Lord Jesus, help me… my heart’s broken… no matter how many commitments I’ve made they later end up with just empty words… Your ‘occasional’ touch to my heart or ‘revival’ has simply become my emotional toy in the end…

When can I truly see You as You are? as the “I Am”…?

I love You, Lord… Help me so it won’t become empty words… Help me to experience Your sweet reality…

Are You Religious?

Religious is the adjective word of religion, which means “to acquire a deep conviction of the validity of religious beliefs and practices” (Dictionary.com)

Going to church, praying at church or at home, doing good to the poor are among few which are included to a description of someone being religious. He/she must have a deep conviction for the reasons doing the practices (I don’t include those who don’t even ‘do these religious things’).

Any other religion of course can alter the way they describe themselves as being religious of course, for example, praying regulary at the appointed times five times a day, burning insence and pray to god out of reverance manner, going to mosque/temple/else, donate to orphans, there are still many ways of other religions’ practices that I’m not familiar with!

The issue I want to bring out here is, do you really know Whom you’re worshipping? “Know”, as in knowing your God as you know your best friends?

The message in Acts 17 when Paul went to Athena rebuked my heart yesterday also today when I reread it again. There were so many gods there built in the form of statues, they even had one god called as “the unknown god”!!?

Then Paul exhorted them by saying, “…in every way you are very religious…. (but) you are ignorant of the very thing you worship”

They didn’t even know whom they worshipped, they labelled their handmade god by the name of ‘the unknown god’!

This message has rebuked me first of all and urged me to check my heart, “Have I become religious yet ignoring Jesus whom I worship?”

I said in my heart please draw this away from me, Lord! This is something that I truly don’t want, and forgive me if from time to time I have done this mistake!

Have I done my religious practices including my ministry requirements at church yet my heart and my soul aren’t thirsty anymore after Him?

I asked God forgiveness this morning, when I realized for these days I may have focused on ‘to get things right’ rather than ‘to get my relationship with Christ right (more intimate)’!

My dad’s salvation, my family issues, my wedding & future planning, my business – these things about ‘me, myself, and I’ have clouded my mind!

As I wrote in my previous entry, even though salvation of my dad and other people I love is urgent and crucial (and not about ‘me, myself, & I’), yet this is not the most important thing in my relationship with Christ!

Holy Spirit reminded and rebuked me last night and once again this morning, not to get my focus shifted from the Lord Himself! Praying and asking God to lead and guide me in making every steps right is still not the most important thing!

The most important thing is to know Christ wholeheartedly, to get intimate with Him, so one day my goal is to say what Paul said out of his deep conviction, gratitude, and love toward Christ,

“I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him… I want to know Christ – yes, to know the power of His ressurection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death… One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil 3:8-14)

The “prize to win” is NOT the blessings on this earth that I can only enjoy temporarily!!!

One day I shall hug You like this, Lord...

The prize is Jesus Himself!!!

I can enjoy Him NOW on this earth through close & deep fellowship with His Holy Spirit within me, out of my weaknessed God will bring me from glory to glory just as He promised, until I see the perfection one day when I shall join Christ in His heavenly kingdom…

More than a question of “Are You Religious?”, I must ask myself from time to time, “Are You In Love With Christ?”

Am I falling head over heels for Christ?!!

O Lord, Help me to desire You more out of anything else… Let this quest to loving You more and more become ‘my greatest struggle and burden’ more than any other struggles that the world brings…

Because I know the prize is so much worth it, prize that is eternal, everlasting, never-ending… forever and ever with You, Lord…

Lord, I know even after I pray this prayer to make me love You more, I still couldn’t love You the way I want to… But I want, Lord… I don’t want to give up in loving You, because You have first loved me with Your unconditional love… Show me the impossible through Your Holy Spirit’s works God…

Happy New Year 2010 !!!

~Tahun pemulihan dan kelimpahan!

Tahun penggenapan atas penantian dan harapan! ~

Happy New Year all!

Aku lg ga bs banyak update ini blog.. cuma mau share singkat aja (hopefully dlm wkt singkat ini lmyn byk yg bs aku tulis hehe)…

Pas di penghujung taon 2009 kmrn, hari2 terakhirnya malahan ibarat sinetron tegang abisss… tp ga terduga banget hbs itu langsung ada breakthrough yg surprising banget! Apa yg aku ga pikirin malahan Tuhan ijinkan terjadi buat jd biggest surprise at the end of the year! Seneng banget pastinya

Stlh itu sempet bingung sih krn visi dan impian yg aku brasa dr Tuhan semuanya mandeg di tengah2 (ada dua sih sbnrnya yg paling utama, yg satu lagi puji Tuhan banget Tuhan udah mulai kasih jalan dan buka pintu2 yg sblmnya tertutup, Hallelujah!).. Nah yg dua ini menyangkut soal impian aku in publishing a book, n jg to have my own business…

Utk yg kedua sampe saat ini msh bingung kelanjutannya gimana… Msh ada major challenge yg blm terpecahkan solusinya… Aku sempet meragukan sih rncn Tuhan… Aku bingung, rasanya dr awal udah yg bener2 didoaiin dan direncanaiin, n slama ini jalan2nya smua dibukakan dgn mudah… Kok skrg di tengah2 stlh udah berjln mayan jauh jd ada hambatan gini.. Apa berarti ini bukan rencana Tuhan? Apa berarti wkt itu aku salah ngerti maunya Tuhan?

Tp ada bbrp pelajaran yg aku dpt dr ini semua sampai saat ini…

Yg pertama, aku bljr utk jd lebih humble lg… Sungguh sematang apapun perencanaan kita tp kl Tuhan berencana lain, dlm sekejap pun Tuhan bisa mengambil atau merubahnya… Trs apakah jd bikin aku takut berencana? Sempet sih. Aku jd “was2″, takut salah bikin rencana apalagi dlm ambil keputusannya… Tp stlh itu imanku dikuatkan, aku diingetin kalo God is in control in ANY situation! Keinget jg firmanNya di Roma 8:28… “Tuhan berkerja dlm SEGALA SESUATU utk menghasilkan kebaikan bagi mrk yg mengasihiNya”… Segala sesuatu b’arti di saat lembah kekelaman sekalipun jg t’msk donk? Iya! … Emang butuh pandangan yg baru, pandangannya Tuhan, buat bs lbh mengerti situasi yg sdg kita hadapi saat ini. Jd ya berencana tetaplah berencana.. “Fail to plan is plan to fail” gitu sih ada quote yg blg…

Yg kedua, bikin nambah iman dan kepercayaan aku sama Tuhan… Tambah bergantung sama Dia n ga andalkan diri sndr atau manusia lain…

Tepat seminggu yg lalu Tuhan ksh aku ayat di Yesaya 40:27-31… Dr situ aku ngerti isi hatinya Tuhan utk aku saat itu, yaitu hanya “menanti-nantikan Dia” saja! Ajaib loh besoknya dpt email renungan dr greja aku yg di Indo, ayat nas-nya jg dr Yesaya 40:31! Ya udah aku smakin ngerti kl memang itu yg Tuhan mau.. Just wait unto Him.. and menariknya, kl org disuruh nunggu org lain kan biasa yg ada malah jd cape, bosen, bete… tp di Alkitab blg org yg me-nanti2kan Tuhan itu bakal dpt kekuatan baru loh malahan! Apa itu ga menentang paradigmanya dunia tuh?!

Nahh.. ajaibnya lg, td pagi lwt suatu kejadian yg juga simple and natural banget tp kok somehow ‘supernatural’ jg, aku ktemu ayat di Yesaya 30:18 yg bunyinya gini,

“Sebab itu Tuhan menanti-nantikan saatnya hendak menunjukkan kasihNya kpd kamu;

sebab itu Ia bangkit hendak menyayangi kamu.

Sebab Tuhan adlh Allah yg adil;

Berbahagialah semua org yg menanti-nantikan Dia!”

Lagi2 Tuhan ingetin utk tetap setia me-nanti2kan Dia.. Aku serasa lg dlm perjalanan ngumpulin puzzle pieces satu demi satu deh… Saat ini aku cm bs jalanin apa yg jd bagianku yg Tuhan mau aku setia melakukannya… yg aku percaya God will never forsake me! Tuhan itu Allah yg ga pernah ingkar janji dan firmanNya ga pernah bohong!

Selain soal “nanti2kan” Dia, dr kmrn aku dpt message yg sama soal “sblm km minta Tuhan fulfill your desires, km sndr hrs tau jelas dulu desires km itu apa”… nah sempet kepkr takutnya nanti malah asik sendiri sama desires, plans, expectations kita.. pas ga terjd nt jd kecewa… Tp ternyata diingetin org yg dekat sama Tuhan akan membagi hatinya dgn Tuhan dan Tuhan sndr pun akan membagi isi hatiNya ke kita… “Tuhan bergaul karib dengan org yg takut akan Dia, dan perjanjian-Nya diberitahukan-Nya kpd mrk” ~ Mazmur 25:14~… Desires kita itu akan terus di-align sama desiresnya Tuhan… aku ga bs percaya sama hatiku sndr krn Jeremiah blg hati kita itu menipu, tp aku bs percaya sama perkataan dan tuntunan Roh KudusNya yg tau isi hati Tuhan sndr dan krn Dia tinggal di dlmku maka aku pun bs tau isi hatiNya kalo aku senantiasa bersekutu dgnNya…

Nah, jdnya aku nanya deh ke diri sndr, aku sendiri maunya apa? Soal usaha ini, apa aku msh mau lanjutin? Honestly and personally speaking aku msh mau… Tp aku gatau caranya gimana dgn segala tantangan dan pergumulan yg ada… Brsn pas aku baca another email devotional, ada tlsnya gini, “It’s not over till God says it’s over. Circumstances and people don’t have the last word, God does!”

Nah.. skrg ini jdnya ya aku minta hikmat ke Tuhan utk bisa memahami situasi yg aku sdg hadapi saat ini apakah berarti Tuhan udah blg “No” atau hanya halangan yg berusaha menguji desire dr Tuhan?

Aku blm tau…

Anyway, sharing-nya jd udah lumayan panjang.. Sampe disini dl aja deh ya. Nulisnya lagi buru2 jdnya pake indo aja hehe.. GBU and once again happy new year yaaaa…

“Rather than making a year resolution, let’s just do it one step at a time, let’s make it as a DAILY RESOLUTION for 2010 forward: it is TO BE LIKE JESUS. While He was on earth, Jesus loved, served and gave glory to God.

When we resolve to live that way, we will find that everyday brings a new adventure”

Before the year ends…

Waking up at my friend’s house in Caroline Spring, my heart feels better and filled with peace… Simply peace… Then I wrote these verses from 1 John 2:

“My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father – Jesus Christ, the Righteous One.

He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world“

Thank You Jesus You are always there with me… It is my desire to know You more, to believe in You more, to love You more… To understand the love language of God which is shown through His own Son, Jesus Christ… Not from worldly blessings… Lord, renew my mind so that I think more of You, more of the eternal value rather than temporary things in this world…

Surprise me before the year ends

Big Dream in Little Me…

Sitting on the couch reading “The Little Red Writing Book” by Mark Tredinnick that I’ve just bought from Borders inspires me a bit to update my blog at the moment…

I still haven’t forgotten my dream yet, to write a book one day, hoping that ‘one day’ will be coming true this year! (or at least for the next 2 years ).. and after I get stucked with my novel writing recently (huhuhuhuhu) I’ve found another idea to compile my blog entries that I’ve been writing since the year 2005 into a book.. how that sounds?

I was inspired by Pastor Ayub Yahya’s book “Titik Nol”-one that my cousin gave me before I left to Melbourne, in which it contains his blog entries for about one and a half years.. I’ve read several first pages, the topic revolves around his activities and observations as a pastor in GKI (one of church denominations in Indo)…

So yeah, I am inspired to do similar thing… although I am still not sure whether to write it all in English or Indo… I’ve just got this plan to open up my old archives since 2005 in my Friendster blog, start choosing which entries I want to put those in, editing it (it’d be more difficult if I decided to be in English-all correct grammar without being too rigid, ideally I want the writings ”to play a melody” when I and the readers read it-relate to what Tredinnick wrote, “Good writing should sound like the very best of talking; clear, careful, animated, and memorable. Good writing means something fast. It speaks. Sometimes it even sings“)..

Well, I believe, if this dream truly comes from the Lord, He will be the One who provides me the way, His Spirit will be the One who keeps inspiring me, guiding me to write things what’s in His own heart…

Thank You Jesus… nite niteee

Imagine…

Tonight in my heart I really enjoy His love… I cannot describe the feeling wholly by words… Feels like it wants to explode… Make me wanna shout out “I Love You Lord! I Love You Lord!”, and even that’s not enough… Still I am speechless…

How He is so great in my life… I never knew that my life would be so beautiful with Him in it… I follow Him by faith… Yet all the experiences are real to me… He takes me to a ride that is so enjoyable… so joyful, so beautiful…

What if I met You in person, God… I would hug You so tight… I would laugh out loud with You… I would cry joyful tears… I would tell You stories, all about my feeling… I would run with You together near the beach… as I watched You with Your loving eyes… as You spoke to me with calming voice…

God, how I miss the time to meet You in person… I know I am not perfect to qualify the eternal life spent with You… Yet Your love has made me as “qualified”… How could I say thank you…?

 

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk by Your side

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When Your face is looking at me

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still

Imagine, I can only imagine

 

I can only imagine all the creations bowed down

The whole universe saying Your name out loud

I can only imagine all our broken lives

Ressurected in the healing light

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still

Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing Hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine, I can only imagine

 

Surrounded by forgiveness, what will my heart feel

Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still

Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing Hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

Just imagine

I can only imagine

This is one of my favorite songs ever… It describes truly my heart at the moment… The longing heart to meet Him…

I love You, Jesus… Keep touching my heart with Your love, keep making me falling in love with You for my whole life… Because without it I am nothing, Lord… Without it I am lost…

Praise God… ’til Maranatha…

Praying with All My Heart..

When I looked at you in silence this afternoon, you were talking vigourously with another person while enjoying your lunch,
That is when I realized how much God loves you…
He’s given you health, wealth to be enjoyed,
He provides your needs, He takes care of you every single day…
Then it was there I prayed in my heart,
Even when you don’t realize how much God loves you and don’t say or forget to say thanks to all His blessings everyday,
I am willing to be the one who intercedes for you,
Saying thank you to God on behalf of you…

I love you, I prayed that you may know Him, the One who loves and always takes care of you…
That you may come back to Him just as the lost son in Luke 15 did…
That you may know the love of the Father… that He is a Father full of compassions, loving, caring and faithful…
Before all’s too late…

God, I pray for your mercy to this man…
I love him so much…
He is my father, You’ve chosen him to be my father,
You’ve chosen me to be part of this family,
and I know I have a purpose in this family…
I am here by no coincidence…

As I pray and I cry for this one soul,
please God may You pour out Your mercy unto him…

Thank you Lord…

In Jesus’ name,
Amen…

Ngobrol-Ngobrol Soal Novel (Dikit aja)…. :)

Hellowwww…

So here I am, sitting down here facing a white wall in my own room with two boxes full of CDs and a sweet frog doll present from my friend at my left side…thinking it’s been a long time since the last time I updated my blog… ukhhhh…

I still regularly updating my Facebook notes though (walo sempet MIA-Missing in Action-for a month ). Biasanya entry dr FB Note itu bakal aku copas kesini, tp utk bbrp entry blman sih hehe.. Sehrsnya isi blog ini jg lebih personal kali ya..meaning ga hrs sama ma entry2 di note Facebook tp disini lbh ada sedikit ‘sentuhan pribadi’…hihihi… Kayanya jg lebih jarang visitors yg buka nih blog dibanding buka my Facebook page (bener ga sih? rasanya sih iya hahaha) jdnya lebih aman buat share lil bit more personal things disini (kaya mo share apaan aja yah hehehe)..n’ disini kl ada yg mo ksh comment kan msh tetep bisa

Entry kali ini emang byk ngobrol ngalor ngidul aja deh ya…

Hmmm… Begini…. Skrg ini aku lg in progress of writing a novel…. (yeyyyy *ada applause as background sound, applause dr diri gw sndr hahaha ).. Mulainya sih baru kira2 2 mingguan lalu deh… It is my dream to write a book since 2007, tp akhirnya br skrg bener2 dijalanin… Bukan krn males ato ga brani sih, tp simply krn idenya jg br dapetnya skrg!! hehehe… Tiba2 aja one day that idea came up, sbnrnya jg input dr my lovely bf sih hehe… Pas di-pkr2 bener juga yah… Intinya kan write on smt that I am familiar with… Smt yg diambil atau ditulis dr personal experience biasanya kan jg lbh bs dijiwai yah….

So, jadi deh ide buku ini muncul… (skrg ini udah sampe Chapter 5, sampe brp chapter nih buku bakalan? Aku sndr honestly blm tau, let the fingers type as well as the heart follows *cieeehhhhh…hahahaha…). Yg pasti aku jg udah doa buat inspirasi dan ide2 kreatif dr Holy Spirit, cos this is meant to be a Christian novel meski msh masuk kategori fiksi…

 

This novel will tell a story about a woman at mid 30s, working as a columnist at an international Christian magazine in Jakarta. She has a wonderful husband and one very loveable daughter.

Ceritanya akan berkisar seputar her past, how her relationship with her mom and dad brought her to this stage, as well as her present, konflik2 yg msh dia hrs hadapi yg berkaitan banyak dgn orgtuanya especially her mother.

As u may see, critanya bakal banyak revolved around family life and marriage. Pain, sadness, betrayal, unfaithfulness. Itu smua bkn pilihan si wanita ini, tp memang ga bs dihindari cos she’s still living in this corrupted world.

Wowww… now as I’m writing this, I think I’m ready to write a short preview about this novel soon hahaha… (rough idea-nya slm ini br ada di kepala sndr, tp pengen jg kan ksh short preview-nya gitu ke temen2 biar mrk bs lbh anticipated nungguinnya hihihi ).. Jd nanti kl udah slesai ditls, preview-nya bakal aku post disini yah Yg diatas td br sekedar ‘obrolan’ hehehe…

Hmmm…

Segitu dl deh kali ini, ngobrol ngalor ngidul aja soal novel milik sndr..hahaha… Mau mandi dl nih habis itu nungguin roti bakar pesenan dateng pas dd aku udah plg jg (coklat keju ma kornet telor )… Td br ikutan nonton “Race to Witch Mountain” ma dia n cwnya (dia blg gw jd ‘kecoak’, udah bukan nyamuk lg >.< hahaha…)

 

Ciaooooooo…

Captivated

Cap.ti.vat.ed (adjective)

Held by an irresistible appeal or fascination

 

What thing could do you in that kind of way? What thing could make you stand in pause, be amazed in awe?

 

Jesus You, You hold the world with Your unfailing love.

The Heaven sings Your praises from above

In Your name lips shall praise and knees shall bow

Father You, the universe exalts in who You are

The stars declare Your wonder far and wide

How majestic is Your love throughout my life

In You… I find my peace. In You… I bend my knees

You are Lord of Heaven, You shall reign in all the earth

I humbly bow before Your majesty

Now I will sing Your praises

And I will sing forevermore

I’m captivated by Your love in me…

Music& Lyrics: Sidney Mohede

 

Jesus, You have loved me with Your unfailing love.

In silence I acknowledge Your presence.

In emptiness I know You are there.

In joyful moments I feel the leaps of all angels around me. 

When I shiver I trust in You as my Lord, my victory banner. 

When I close my eyes I have my rest in You. When I wake up I am available for You.

 

One thing, one thing I desire, is to know You. Your love consumes my aching heart. I will love You, not with just my words, or my hands, but Lord with all my life. I want to live for You alone.

I live for You Lord.

March 2009

It is the third month of 2009. I said to myself last night, another nine months available for me to be able to enjoy the fullness of life in Christ. Another nine months available from God, a gift for me, to witness His wonderful works and miracles in my life, the best so far.

I do not say “nine months left” because I am not being hunted by time. I say “nine months available” because that would sound more as an OPPORTUNITY.

The first two months have passed, nothing to be regret. I’ve made plans for future months yet I know I’m still living my days at present.

The key this year to see God’s miracles is just believe. And what makes me to believe? By walking close with Him. Side by side. Every single day.

I want my heart to be attached more and more to His. Until it aches whenever I do not taste His living and reviving water.

I want to feel the goodness of His love more and more each day. Until world’s agony and disappointment is nothing compared to the glory He has in store for me.

I want to live as in to win a crown, crown of life that is.

I don’t know what I can do for or give You but You got me – spirit, soul, and body…