“Back to Basic”

Last night before I slept the Lord spoke to me this, verses that I got from the sermon I heard in the previous hours:

“If anyone comes to Me, he must hate.. even his own life. Any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be My disciples” – Luke 14:26,33 <NIV>

“Any of you who does not forsake (renounce, surrender claim to, give up, say good-bye to) all that he has cannot be My disciple” <AMP>

The Message’s translation said this for the verse 33, “Simply put, if you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can’t be My disciple”

He put desire in my heart to really meditate these two verses after for so long I haven’t meditated anymore straightaway verses I got from sermons once I got home unless it was necessary (and that ‘necessary’ was very much lesser compared to my early walk as Jesus-lover five years ago…)

Give up everything, Lord?

Yes, EVERYTHING, Nat… Give up your control of money, time, relationship with your loved ones, hobbies, interests… Give up YOUR LIFE…

As I’m writing this my heart’s broken… Lord, when have I stopped loving You? I mean, really loving You?

Why do I love You with the same shallow love as years gone by? Has it gotten deeper? Has it become lesser? And what’s more important, is it even called as ‘love’?

Love that is burning, love that is truly adoring You,  love that is different with a simple gratitude of Your goodness… Love that enable me to give up everything into Your hands with a sincere heart? Love that put You in the highest place of my time, my money, my priorities, my plans, my loved ones?

Lord, save me… When can I love You differently? How can I know that I have loved You differently?

I don’t want to be trapped in the circle of religion… and to give it up eventually because of boredom… or to be living well but my spirit’s dying inside… to be a zombie…

Lord Jesus, help me… my heart’s broken… no matter how many commitments I’ve made they later end up with just empty words… Your ‘occasional’ touch to my heart or ‘revival’ has simply become my emotional toy in the end…

When can I truly see You as You are? as the “I Am”…?

I love You, Lord… Help me so it won’t become empty words… Help me to experience Your sweet reality…

Are You Religious?

Religious is the adjective word of religion, which means “to acquire a deep conviction of the validity of religious beliefs and practices” (Dictionary.com)

Going to church, praying at church or at home, doing good to the poor are among few which are included to a description of someone being religious. He/she must have a deep conviction for the reasons doing the practices (I don’t include those who don’t even ‘do these religious things’).

Any other religion of course can alter the way they describe themselves as being religious of course, for example, praying regulary at the appointed times five times a day, burning insence and pray to god out of reverance manner, going to mosque/temple/else, donate to orphans, there are still many ways of other religions’ practices that I’m not familiar with!

The issue I want to bring out here is, do you really know Whom you’re worshipping? “Know”, as in knowing your God as you know your best friends?

The message in Acts 17 when Paul went to Athena rebuked my heart yesterday also today when I reread it again. There were so many gods there built in the form of statues, they even had one god called as “the unknown god”!!?

Then Paul exhorted them by saying, “…in every way you are very religious…. (but) you are ignorant of the very thing you worship”

They didn’t even know whom they worshipped, they labelled their handmade god by the name of ‘the unknown god’!

This message has rebuked me first of all and urged me to check my heart, “Have I become religious yet ignoring Jesus whom I worship?”

I said in my heart please draw this away from me, Lord! This is something that I truly don’t want, and forgive me if from time to time I have done this mistake!

Have I done my religious practices including my ministry requirements at church yet my heart and my soul aren’t thirsty anymore after Him?

I asked God forgiveness this morning, when I realized for these days I may have focused on ‘to get things right’ rather than ‘to get my relationship with Christ right (more intimate)’!

My dad’s salvation, my family issues, my wedding & future planning, my business – these things about ‘me, myself, and I’ have clouded my mind!

As I wrote in my previous entry, even though salvation of my dad and other people I love is urgent and crucial (and not about ‘me, myself, & I’), yet this is not the most important thing in my relationship with Christ!

Holy Spirit reminded and rebuked me last night and once again this morning, not to get my focus shifted from the Lord Himself! Praying and asking God to lead and guide me in making every steps right is still not the most important thing!

The most important thing is to know Christ wholeheartedly, to get intimate with Him, so one day my goal is to say what Paul said out of his deep conviction, gratitude, and love toward Christ,

“I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him… I want to know Christ – yes, to know the power of His ressurection and participation in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death… One thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward THE GOAL TO WIN THE PRIZE for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil 3:8-14)

The “prize to win” is NOT the blessings on this earth that I can only enjoy temporarily!!!

One day I shall hug You like this, Lord...

The prize is Jesus Himself!!!

I can enjoy Him NOW on this earth through close & deep fellowship with His Holy Spirit within me, out of my weaknessed God will bring me from glory to glory just as He promised, until I see the perfection one day when I shall join Christ in His heavenly kingdom…

More than a question of “Are You Religious?”, I must ask myself from time to time, “Are You In Love With Christ?”

Am I falling head over heels for Christ?!!

O Lord, Help me to desire You more out of anything else… Let this quest to loving You more and more become ‘my greatest struggle and burden’ more than any other struggles that the world brings…

Because I know the prize is so much worth it, prize that is eternal, everlasting, never-ending… forever and ever with You, Lord…

Lord, I know even after I pray this prayer to make me love You more, I still couldn’t love You the way I want to… But I want, Lord… I don’t want to give up in loving You, because You have first loved me with Your unconditional love… Show me the impossible through Your Holy Spirit’s works God…

“Lazy to Pray”

One fact that I know is true about prayer, it shows the level of your dependence toward God. When you don’t pray, you don’t need Him. The truth hits me hard indeed. No matter how many words you say how much you need God, but if you don’t pray as hard as you said you need Him, then the cold hard fact is: you don’t need Him.
I have known this truth, yet I have to admit I don’t change straightaway to be a prayer warrior…
Like last night for example, I was so lazy to pray! I was very sleepy and I didn’t really know what I wanted to say to God… Of course I knew I have a lot of things to be thanked for on that day (for example, my bridesmaid-to-be has booked for me a place in Mulia for my wedding dinner reception! That is a very great news!), but still the laziness ate my desire to pray!

Then this morning when I woke up, I come to Him in my ‘quick prayer’. When I first started it, I was still lazy. Then I imagined if I and the Lord are best friends, which best friends are lazy to talk to each other? Even to say ‘Hi’? There’d be none, right!? Therefore, I urged myself to start my prayer without any delay…
Bless him o God, bless her, bless this and that… I need You on this, that… etc etc etc…
Apparently, there were many more things that I didn’t think would come to my mind as I prayed, and it made our conversation to be longer than I expected! (eventhough it was still a ‘quick prayer’)… turned out that I had a lot to tell to God! (and He must have too!)

As I walked to Lilo today, I wonder if the way I talked to God is similar to the way I sometimes talk or relate to my parents or to particular friends…
Before initiating a conversation I sometimes didn’t really know what things I should talk about. But then when I’ve started, the conversation went along and before I realized, I really enjoyed that quality chat and time! It was an intimate time to be shared together! And not only I had the chance to share what’s in my heart, what things I like or dislike, but I get to know more of them too!!

Isn’t prayer a two-way communication too? Yes it is! Because my God is alive!

What things actually hinder me to be lazy to pray if I knew my God is alive and He never neglect those who come to have an intimate time with Him…? There’d be nothing IF I really have faith that He is alive, He’s watching and waiting for me to come to Him, to share what’s in my heart, to be willing to know what’s in His heart too!

That’s my challenge!

I wish there’s an instant medicine not to be lazy to pray, but I believe God makes it as a process so my love for Him is built on genuine intimacy…
O Lord, I want to see more of Your beauty God… Draw me closer to You, God… It is not by own power I seek You, You have called me first, and let my spirit, soul, and body listen to Your calling…
Thank You for Your love, patience, and faithfulness…

“Papi Di Surga”

Yipiii! Finally I can download WordPress application to my BB! This is the first trial Now I can update my blog more often anywhere anytime (as long as my BB is with me, I loveeee BB! Thanks Dad in Heaven for giving me this through my mom )

Well, I’ve been lifted up HIGH since last Sunday! Amazing thing has happened! On Sunday when KD preached his sermon about “The Encouragement, Assurance & Foundation of Prayer” taken from Matthew 7:7-11, I had been crying since the first 15 minutes of his preaching n’ that’s all way through the end (I managed to keep it as quiet as I could!) It was all because he mentioned some sentences that straightaway touched my heart… About a father & child relationship in a family…

The right understanding about God the Father really serves as our foundation in prayer. And the key is in verse 11, “How much more our Father in Heaven will give good gifts for those who asks”

Key 1. “Our Father in Heaven”
- God wants us to see Him as our Father! God wants to have a close relationship with us. The more we communicate with God (that’s what prayer is), the closer we are. KD said ‘communication reflects the closeness of a relationship’. This is where then I started to cry. My disappointment over my dad overwhelmed my heart… And I guess through what had happened these last two days, I realize my disappointment over my earhtly father has clouded the true & perfect image of God as my Father in heaven… I need God to correct my understanding for sure…

Key 2. “How Much More”
- In this verse Jesus referred a good father who knows how to give good gifts to his children as ‘evil’. This is not a message of condemnation, but it has a meaning that no matter how good our earthly father is, they are nothing compared to the goodness of our Heavenly Father! Our earthly father is still human, sinful in nature. If they know how to give good gifts to his children, HOW MUCH MORE the incorruptible Father God in heaven!

Key 3. “Good Gifts”
- When God doesn’t give us what we want, when He says NO, the problem is not in giving, but in asking (the truth that God has given His only Son to die for us has shown He has not a problem in giving freely what’s good for our eternal life!). A Father will never give bad gifts, but a child may ask bad requests! (Will you give a knife to your child when he/she desperately crying asking to play with it? Of course not!)

- We have to learn not only about God’s love but also God’s WISDOM. He has His divine reason when He says NO to us. God created this world including every human’s life with His words & wisdom, do you think He doesn’t know what’s best for you? (Yet we, including me, often feel hard to surrender because unconciously we have already thought we have better knowledge of how to take care of our own life!)
We try to put God in our uniform, in our worldy & limited definition of love, that is only when the other person gives us what we ask. When they don’t grant it, we claim they don’t love or care for us.
But with every God’s no, there’s a hidden amazing love of God only with eyes of faith we can see!

Key 4. “Those Who Asks”
- Simple, ask whatever you need or want! Yet when God says No or Wait, accept it with a trusting heart that He knows what’s best for us!

All these points I wrote overwhelmed my heart!

Especially with the part that God wants to lift up my sadness & disappointment over my dad and replace it with joy of fixing my eyes to an even greater FATHER – my GOD!!!
N’ thanks to Jesus because of Him and His cross I deserve to call the Almighty God as my DAD! (John 14:6 “I am the way, the truth, & the life. NO ONE comes to the Father EXCEPT through Me”)

The thing is, I’m having many problems, challenges, burdens, dilemmas nowadays, but I never expect God would start His restoration by getting my HEART right first with my earthly father!!!
Also yesterday in Monday’s Prayer Meeting, I was so blessed by God’s deliverance & comfort!!!
After I dismissed twice invitations for my need to be prayed by others (in workers prayer meeting last month & last week’s prayer meeting), yesterday I finally stood up and accepted the invitation.
I said to God this is my act of faith that I believe prayer will set me free!!!
Before then I thought I still could endure the burden by myself, I didn’t want other people to ‘get busy praying for me’. But after suffering for so long I couldn’t stand it, I stood up in front of God calling His name for deliverance & breakthrough over my life! I abandoned my pride and shouted out to God, I NEED YOU LORD, please deliver me!!!

I really thank God for Ci Lyd & Ellen who prayed for me last night. I couldn’t remember all they said but I was definitely sure all words they prayed was a silent cry of my heart after all these times! And when KD prayed for me he only said simple words, “Lord, I believe, help my unbelief! You are my Father!!!” yet that’s what’s been in my heart since the day before! The same prayer “Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

Last night I received something new! I can call God as “Papi di Surga”!
I call my earthly father ‘Papi’ and I’ve never be able to call God the same! I felt I couldn’t be able to relate to God with that kind of ‘bond’ & intimacy! Yet last night suddenly I couldn’t stop calling God with that name! And when I prayed I really enjoy the intimacy calling Him ‘Pa’!
All of sudden when I pray I begin to understand I ask and tell things just like to my own Father! I can relate better with God from this renewed perspective!

My earthly father is rarely available to hear my thoughts, dreams, plans – but with this Dad, with this Papi, I can tell ALL things I want anywhere anytime! No need to wait for response (and be left in disappointment when I receive nothing), this Papi is very close to me, as near as a simple prayer!

I also realize, or ‘suspect’ if I may say, that over all problems He choose to get this right first (not necessarily the situation, but to get right firstly MY HEART), because He know how the freedom over this matter will really equip me in my future life (in my marriage as well as in my own family life later). It doesn’t feel comfortable now, but it will do so much good later, and when I reflect back I am 100% sure that I will still say God is so good to me!!!

God has answered my prayer on Sunday too! I prayed in tears, may my disappointment toward my earthly father will only draw me closer to my Heavenly Father, and through Him I gain His perfect love to love my earthly father perfectly…

Thank You so much Papi di surga… Aku mau tidur dulu skrg… I love You so much Pap!!!

“Satisfaction in Sharing My Heart with God”

I never thought talking with God would be this exciting! For such a long time I didn’t feel the same way I did yesterday

"This is My heart... I share it to you because I love you... Do the same to Me"

 when I shared my heart with Him. It may be always exciting especially during my first years in following Christ with my first love but then I’ve become forgetful of how exciting it was after so many distractions came upon my life in my later walk with Him!

I felt disappointed yesterday due to one thing, and like always, I wanted to straightaway share it with my bf. But then I stopped before the words even came out. I’m sure he’d definitely listen as always, yet I felt he still couldn’t understand the depth of my disappointment… So I chose to be just silent. Then there in my heart was saying, “There are certain times when only You, Lord, able to understand the depth of my heart. There are certain times when I have to be satisfied to share it with You only, not to anyone else...” YET I still felt dissatisfied to only share it with God about my disappointment yesterday! How I wish my bf could understand, or even ‘the subject’ who have made me disappointed could know and understandd how I was disappointed!

Then I heard a small voice asked me in my heart, “What is it really that have made you disappointed? Tell Me, I’m listening“

Hearing that question from the Holy Spirit prompting me to share it with Him, I couldn’t stand to ignore Him. To my amaze, just seconds after I started sharing it with Him, He revealed the deepest motive in my heart that had caused me to be disappointed toward this person!

That is, I so much wanted acknowledgement from him for what I’ve done (ok, the person is my father…) yet I didn’t get it from him!

After His Spirit revealed it to me the true reason, I started to think again… “Why would I want to be acknowledged by men (including by my own dad) when my focus should always be pleasing God instead of men? Why would I want to gain any praise from men, when the highest and eternal joy I can get is only from Him when later He’ll say to me ‘Well done my faithful servant’ – all other praise from men is temporary?”

Realizing this my focus was shifted from my disappointment to a reminder not to seek acknowledgement from men…

What made this conversation with God interesting is, I didn’t expect Him to reveal my deepest feeling that I myself didn’t even know! Very rare human can do this (even though my bf often gives me advice whenever I’m feeling sad or disappointed because of something/someone)

Then suddenly I feel this satisfaction in sharing my heart with Him! This is new for me (or like I said at above, I might have felt this satisfaction during my early walk with God but then I neglected it because I was prone to find satisfaction in sharing my heart with men instead!)

I continue to pray for God to give me the inner satisfation everytime I share my heart with Him! Thank You Lord for this revelation Forgive me if I have neglected our quality chat, bring me closer to Your Holy Spirit once again, Lord. Satisfy me with You only, Lord!

“God always want us to be honest with Him. He already know all that is happening inside us, but we will experience His love more deeply when we share our heart with Him”

Christmas Eve 2009

How do I want to remember this Christmas Eve 2009 – one (like any other day) that I won’t be able to return to or restart…

Will I let disappointment sip and stay in my heart because so many things go not according to my expectations and let myself be annoyed, irritated, and hurt for the rest of the day?

Or will I let it go, forgive easily just as Jesus has forgiven and loved me unconditionally, giving thanks for other many good things that has come into my life that also have come not according to my expectations (that I do not deserve at all – that is Your grace)?

I should be ‘smarter’… I should’ve known this is my weakest area and the devil will use it easily to rob my joy… and this time I won’t let it!!!

Soon I’m turning to 27, I should be more ‘que sera sera’… People can hurt me without they pay any attention even a hint to my feeling, but will I demand justice that they can’t give? Only God can give me justice, and He has shown His wonderful personality as a just God when He let Jesus died on the cross dying for my sins! There had to be something to redeem my sins, there had to be Someone so dearly to redeem my life… and Jesus took my place on that cross and died for me…

I want to cast my cares to Jesus alone because yes, He cares for me! Only Him understand the best of my feeling, and before I suffer this injustice, pain, and tears, He has endured it first!

I want to remember this Christmas Eve 2009 as a wonderful night when the joy and love of God overflowing my heart – so overflowed that I don’t care what happen in the outside as long as I know (and He lets me know) that He is so close to me.. He is in my heart, and my life is in His loving hand…

All my dilemmas, my struggle, my pain, hurt, and all other things – He knows it all…

He knows me like an open book… He just knows…

So let me remember this Christmas to the true essence…

That on this day, my Savior was born… because He was born I can live freely as today… Because He was born I have hope as today…

Dear Jesus, this is my letter for You…

I don’t have the best Christmas card to give to You… yet let my heart, open as wide as it could, be the present that I can offer to You…

Not just today on this Christmas Day… But also for the rest of my life…

Thank You Jesus…

Deliver me from temptation and give me power from Your words to fight the evil… Loving You for the way You have loved me first…

“Merry Christmas all”

“Plain Life Without God’s Intervention”

I slept last night in tears. Not because I was sad, but somehow before I closed my eyes, I could feel God was really there in my room accompanying me while I was going to sleep and would also be during my sleep! This feeling is so awesome, it still touches the deepest of my heart as I’m writing this blog… All I could say last night was I love You, Lord, and I want to experience more of You!

I may not be understand what God is doing with my phase of life at the moment… Many times than ever I felt so scared, in fear, and in doubt this year… Doubting what God can do through me… But other part of me feel so excited this morning as I realize my life will be so plain boring without God’s intervention!

Each time I feel the pressure of facing the giants, on the other side I could feel a sense of thrilling sensation in my body and in my heart with what God can do with my life!

And this morning I suddenly also realize, what I meant by ‘This year I want to be much more different than last years in my journey with God’, is I want to experience Him in a level I never have before! And it has so much to do with “obedience“! I kept asking God what does it really mean by ‘to experience more of Him’? How could it happen? How do I want it happen? Then yesterday when I walked along the cafe pathway to Melbourne Central, I felt this desire to really obey God than ever before! I felt this desire to have an unwavering faith to the extent I could do or experience many more miraculuous things in my life, simply because I believe and allow Him to do His great works through me! Not because I am able, but because I am willing to extend my capacity in Him! I feel this desire to have a greater level of intimacy with Jesus. I imagine how intimate some famous evangelist people with God, such as Benny Hinn, Billy Graham, or even Joyce Meyer (judging from their abundant experiences with God that they wrote in their books)… And if I could measure how I want my intimacy with God can be, I’d use their relationships as a benchmark.

It may sound crazy (they’re all have decades of experiences with God already), but I have this desire to also experience God as much as them starting now from my early age!

As voices such as “I Can’t”, ”How Could I?”, “I’m scared”, “I Don’t Know” often get into my mind more than ever this year, I feel the need to depend on the Lord more than ever too. God truly is bringing me to a new level of faith, God is surely bringing me to a new level of experience with Himself. It may be like a rollercoaster involving many emotions, mixed feelings, and tears, but I am ready to catch the ride!

Maybe in other times I can share more about ‘facing the giants’ situations I’m facing at the moment. For now, I just want to enjoy the other side of ’facing the giant’: I can experience more of Him, I can feel that He is truly real in my life. And I desire for more of this experience in my life so that He becomes too real in my life that I cannot deny His presence, His provision, His protection, His sovereignty in my life!

God bless you all