Struggling

Sick. I am sick. Sick of myself. This year I feel I struggle extra to live a life filled with thanksgiving everyday. It shouldn’t be hard because I know that God has blessed me abundantly, but why still in many occassions I complain? During the last months especially. Many times I wonder whether my friends, people around me, sometimes also including my bf, really love me… And again, I know they love me (otherwise they wouldn’t even talk to me) but I still feel I’m lacking… I understand we talk different love languages, yet it’s hard for me to accept it the way it is… I want them to love me the way I want them to… In my love languages… It’s hard for me to accept them as an unique individual… It seems I can’t stop this feeling of self-pity, comparing, complaining, deep inside my heart… They’re all rubbish and I don’t want them in my heart, but it is so hard to get rid of it!

God, please help… I just want to live in joy, in love, full of praise and thanksgiving…

Since when I am turning into this? I don’t want this… I want it to stop…

I want to be able to love people with all my heart the same way You have loved me… But it is so hard if what I do is paying attention to my ownself and wanting myself to be satisfied with love from human…

This lesson of life is hard… Why can I be satisfied in You alone…? I’m struggling…

Lord, please help me… Get rid of this evil side of me…

“Let’s Do This Together”

This quote has been ringin over and over lately… “sin separates us from God, yet struggling with it brings us closer to God“… I’m pretty sure I’ve never read it somewhere else… it feels as if Holy Spirit Himself gave this quote in my heart… as if He’s saying, struggling with sin is a part of my Christian life… it is ‘normal’… it wasn’t normal when I was still the old-me because I didn’t have that sensitive heart and ear to know and listen to what God wanted… but now, when my body is the temple of His Spirit, I feel I have that “inbuilt capacity” to discern what is sin and what is not…

Do I give thanks for that? Yes, of course. I wonder there were some things I did in the past that I didn’t even feel guilty over it but now, when I am faced with similar situations, the alarm keeps ringing, keeps alerting me, “DANGER!!!”. The alarm saves me. The alarm is His Spirit’s voice. Yet some other times I feel very burdened by the voice. I feel burdened to obey it, I feel even more burdened and devastated if I fail to obey it… I can say that I am burdened not because of the voice, but because of the fact that some times I am struggling to walk in synchrony with it… “It’s me, not Him”… He’s all perfect, He is God.. and I am so imperfect… so many times I have failed…

And now as I am writing this, I realize that I’ve been focusing too much on myself… on my performance… and I realize God gives that voice (that is the voice of Himself) not to act as a burden for me… it is to help me…. for His Holy Spirit is my Helper…

John 16:13

“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come”.

John 14:26

“But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you”.

I just need to walk hand in hand with Him… I am not walking alone when I am struggling with sin… I am not walking alone when I am struggling to be what He wants me to be… I have Him, Holy Spirit, the closest Person to my own heart… He knows everything… He knows my every thoughts…

God, please help me to keep my eyes on You… I need You to be right… I can’t walk by my own…

Who knows that this only brings me closer to Him? Just as the quote that He put in my heart…

And He says, “Don’t worry my child. I am with you at all times, you are not alone. Let’s do this together, just hold My hands and keep your eyes to My steps“

 

PS: I find this entry from one’s blog is very insightful to this specific topic of “struggling with sin”: http://paulsponderings.blogspot.com/2006/09/struggling-against-sin.html