Struggling

Sick. I am sick. Sick of myself. This year I feel I struggle extra to live a life filled with thanksgiving everyday. It shouldn’t be hard because I know that God has blessed me abundantly, but why still in many occassions I complain? During the last months especially. Many times I wonder whether my friends, people around me, sometimes also including my bf, really love me… And again, I know they love me (otherwise they wouldn’t even talk to me) but I still feel I’m lacking… I understand we talk different love languages, yet it’s hard for me to accept it the way it is… I want them to love me the way I want them to… In my love languages… It’s hard for me to accept them as an unique individual… It seems I can’t stop this feeling of self-pity, comparing, complaining, deep inside my heart… They’re all rubbish and I don’t want them in my heart, but it is so hard to get rid of it!

God, please help… I just want to live in joy, in love, full of praise and thanksgiving…

Since when I am turning into this? I don’t want this… I want it to stop…

I want to be able to love people with all my heart the same way You have loved me… But it is so hard if what I do is paying attention to my ownself and wanting myself to be satisfied with love from human…

This lesson of life is hard… Why can I be satisfied in You alone…? I’m struggling…

Lord, please help me… Get rid of this evil side of me… 😦

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