As a child, I rarely had the privilege of being taken care of full time by my mother. As a second child and ‘less expected child’, I was mostly taken care of by a nanny and was often left at home.
My mother never told me story before I went to sleep, never did silly dance over good tune of music nor laughing together over funny gesture or jokes.
I rarely receive compliments from her, mostly harsh critics that brought down my soul most of the times.
I never hear her say “I Love You” to my ears, she’s also not the kind of mother who loves to hug or to show her affection.
I rarely spend time with her alone too doing shopping, even to this date, there’s always someone else.
I’ve got used to for not being prioritised, when she had to choose from her three children, I’d come last.
From all these bittersweet experiences, God has worked all of them for my good. I truly can testify that. My mother has raised me up to be independent, at least I’ve got no problem taking care of my daughter by myself while juggling all the house chores. No other schools could teach me this precious life lesson.
I can choose to have a pity-party (one thing that I often got caught), but today God reminds me to be GRATEFUL.
I may not have all the privileges I’d want from a mother, but I have the opportunities to extend them to my own daughter.
I’m grateful I can be with her all the time (24/7), I’m grateful I can do all the fun and silly things with her (because I still have that child-like heart inside me anyway :p), I’m grateful we can be as best friends (not in other times that I should exercise discipline and authority as her mother :p), I’m grateful for being able to tell her stories, pray together, reading Bible together, kiss her goodnight, hug her most of the times, saying ‘I love you’ most of the times too.
I’m grateful for moments we can be both excited seeing cute things or watching cartoons together. I’m grateful for the time we spend intimately together. I’m grateful that she is my priority.
Things that I once longed for from a mother – I’m grateful God gives me the freedom and power to choose to not to be the ‘victim’ but to be a ‘victor’. Instead of wishing time could be rewinded and my mother could do all those things to me to redeem my childhood life, I choose to be grateful and to enjoy the capability to love my daughter the way I want to be loved – as who I am, unconditionally, accepted, no need to gain any approval.
But I also know I must not stop at that point. I keep praying to God for showing me ways to love my daughter the way He wants me to be.
In the end, just like my mother who loves me imperfectly, I know that I also cannot love Aimee perfectly in all my imperfections. And one day I hope Aimee will still be grateful for the way I love her.
I love you both, my mom, and my precious daughter xoxo 🙂