Being a parent and having a child making me understand a little further of God’s love and the way God loves me as His child. I’ve always known “God loves me”, but not until I become a mother that I’ve started to be able to comprehend more (at the least) of the depth of His love. Of course, the way I love Aimee is nothing to be compared with the way God loves me (I still love out of my human limitations while God loves me out of His perfections), but I still want to share in this blog my journey of how I discover these revelations that Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to- the correlation of this kind of ‘parental love’ that I have compared with God’s (ps: due to the length, I’m gonna write one revelation per blog entry).
First, and the latest revelation I’ve received was just couple of days ago.
It happened during a ‘difficult scenario’ between me and Aimee (Now, here is entering a bit of ‘preliminary background’ about my 3.4 years-old daughter: even months before entering 3-years old I often feel overwhelmed by her ‘challenging attitude’. She’s just not the kind of girl who has ‘kalem‘ (calm, “angel”) personality. She has strong will (if not, stubborn) and very expressive (really need continuous guidance and training to express her anger and disappointment in the right ways). So facing this certain stage of her life and mental development is a HUGE challenge for me that often cause me tears, hurt and painful feelings even to this date-yes, a small child of my own can cause these to me.
So, during that difficult, angry moment time of hers, through her wailing cries and screams, she often ‘demands’ me to ‘love her’ or to ‘hug her’. She would say “Mami sayang aku!“, “Mami, HUG!“. Now I put those “!” because she expressed those requests not in a gentle way nor calm voice tone, but rather through a pressing, demanding voice beneath her tears and screaming (can you imagine that for the least how tense I could be? Lucky I don’t look older-no wrinkle or crow-feet, yet. LOL). Then on that day several days ago when she screamed to me demanding me to “love her”, I ask her, “in what kind of way do you want me to love you?” (“kamu mau mami sayang kamu kaya gimana?“). Then surprisingly she motioned her hand gently stroking her cheek and hair, apparently she wanted me to do the same to her. Fyi, it’s not a hard thing to do indeed. But, when I was asked to do that during the heat and intense moment, from being super annoyed and stressed to instantly switch my emotion ‘down’ to be able to perform that ‘gentle stroke request’ genuinely-believe me, it’s not an easy thing to do (for me).
I’m with real emotions and not just performing a play where I can easily change my frowned angry face to smiling happy-do-bi-du face in just a second. So, it’s always a challenging time whenever I have to face this similar ‘cycle’ and how I wish so hard she could rather obey me at the first place without having to undergo this scenario again (now you understand what I mean with ‘difficult scenario’ huh, it’s like we -me and Aimee- “rehearse” this play over and over, sometimes with better outcome (meaning I could be calm and give the right response) or worst (meaning when mommy couldn’t be patient enough and exploded like a super scary witch, prosecutor, “algojo“, etc 😦 )
Now this what came to my mind right after:
It’s “funny” how my own daughter demanded me to ‘prove’ to her that I do love her. Do I love her? Of course! More than all the sacrifices I have made, she’s my own! How could not I love her?
Yet, the very same question and request also often appear in my mind.
“God, do You love me? Please show me that You do love me!”
“Tuhan sayang ga sih sama aku? Tunjukkin donk kalau emang bener Tuhan sayang”
And, so often I’ve already set in my mind certain ways of what kind of ‘evidence’ that God loves me. It can be, “God, I shall know that You really love me (only) if….” (feel your own), in the same way Aimee demanded me to show my ‘proof of love’ by gently stroke her when I was angry. Little did she know nor understand that my love for her has been shown through all the cares, providence, careful planning, and sacrifices I gladly give throughout all the times!
The very same thing God shows His love for me: through His care, providence, wise and in-depth planning (even before I was born my days have been written!), and sacrifice at the cross!
Nonetheless, particularly through difficult (or disciplined) times, I still need His assurance of His love.
Now, did Aimee express the wrong request/statement/question? (“Love me, Mommy!” “Mami sayang aku!“).
Did it offend me? Not at all!
Annoyed yes, because why on earth she would ask me to ‘love her’ before first we end the heated argument or the difficult scenario (but I believe God isn’t like me :P). However, if you put it in the context whether that question is ‘offensive’ to me or not, it totally wasn’t.
Nothing’s wrong for my own child to express that need of assurance, but, it’s just unnecessary.
Likewise, unnecessary questions to ask whether God loves me or not, to what extent, and so on.
He has done it all.
“It is finished”
If I keep doubting whether God loves me or not, the issue is not on Him. I just cannot see all the evidences after all. It’s my eyes that need to see.
Aimee will never be able to understand wholly how much I love her despite of there are disciplined moments (and some angry moments out from the human-me). But I pray and believe as she gets older, she become more understand bit by bit ways I express her love to her is much deeper and wider than just ‘kisses and hugs’.
As God reveals more to me and changes my heart bit by bit, I pray that He will “enlighten the eyes of my heart so that I will know the hope of His calling, and what are the richest of the glory of His inheritance in the saints” (Ephesians 1:18).
I guess that’s it for now. The conclusion:
We often don’t realize that we are who we are now only because of His love, providence, and sacrifice at the cross. Rather than keep asking the unnecessary question out of doubt whether God loves us or not, pray and ask Him to open our eyes of heart so we can ‘taste and see that the Lord is good’ (Psalm 34:8).
The same prayer that I need to pray over and over.
Til my next post about this journey of “God’s parental love”, God loves you and me, obviously 🙂