This photo was taken on Dec 14th 2019, the night before my mum’s funeral, moment before her coffin was closed, and I wailed because of the immeasurable sadness that I no longer could hug or touch her physical body anymore.
The journey then throughout year 2020 wasn’t easy.
I lost my job in May, added on top of the still fresh wound of losing my mum just made the process undergone it worst. There was a broken relationship with someone who meant so much to me; so broken and painful that I had to undergo many months filled with uncertainty, fear, questions, and doubts. There also was another different kind of grief; my other loved one has lost faith and decided to walk away from the narrow door. Again, more questions “how could it be”, more confusing thoughts “what ifs” and “whys”, and many more “Please, Lord”. There were also pain as in literally physical pain, some accidents happened involving my husband and I myself in two separate occasions.
It’s “funny” that at the beginning of the year 2020 my “word of the year” is WORSHIP. And yet there were many I listed in the “griefs” column when I did my reflection.
But I guess that is the reason of why the word WORSHIP came to be my anchor, it is there to remind me WHO is still in control of my life, it is there to remind me who and where I should put my hope and be the safe place of my comfort and refuge.
In my painful moments noone could understand it fully, not even my own husband, the closest person to me. And now I can see that this is actually a “good” thing. This is to remind me that it is only Him who understands me the most. Others(creations), were never designed to satisfy my heart and be the source of my hope and comfort.
Yes, God can use them to comfort and strengthen me like they have had and I am so thankful for each one of them. But HE is the One I need to worship and fix my eyes and faith unto.
Some years will feel abundant, others may have moments and seasons of loss and suffering. Find rest in Christ, o dear weary and worried souls. The Lord wants to sit with you and comfort you,LET HIM.
It is grace and grace alone that can make this kind of peaceful, sweet surrender possible for each of us.
We don’t know what year 2021 will be, but rest assured the invitation to the Grace always opens.
Won’t you be reaching out and respond to that grace?
I had been praying for my parents’ broken marriage to be restored for more than 20 years.
I wished no matter how long I waited, it would have a happy ending. Like Abraham and Sarah waited for 25 years and finally had a son. Like Joseph spent 13 years in Potiphar’s house and prison before he became a prime minister of Egypt. Like Jacob waited for 14 years before got married with Rachel.
This prayer of mine though, ended in “nothing”. It remained broken when my mum passed away. Since then even more hurts from the past and present have been brought to us, the children.
I still cry every now and then when thinking of this “broken dream” of mine (like tonight). And His Spirit always calls me to draw near and bring my brokenness to Him, and not to anywhere else which may only bring temporary relief. I am comforted that I can reveal my most raw emotion, and still be welcomed and loved unconditionally.
I will never understand God’s plan on this one, that’s for sure. Does the unanswered prayer mean He loves me less? I can be assured the answer is “no at all”. “I don’t understand” is not parallel with “God doesn’t love me”.
Nothing becomes my safe anchor other than His unchanging love.
Just never assume how deep God loves us by what’s going on in our life. We risk ourselves towards disappointment when things going wrong in life (and they inevitably will). When life’s good we “feel” we are blessed and can say yes God loves us, but when life’s tearing us apart does it mean He doesn’t love us anymore?
“Bad” circumstances just don’t mean He doesn’t care for us. See the truth, at the cross, the true evidence of God’s sacrificial love.
Yes, I do praise the Lord for, even better, my mum has received a much more worthy prize and live eternally in heaven and one day we can meet one another again.
But as a child/daughter who had been longing for that breakthrough for so many years, can I honestly say this “broken dream” for now still remains a painful part deep inside my heart.
When I paint, it doesn’t make me less than a Christian. Same thing goes with when you bake, cook, sew, drive, work, sing, do your projects/assignments.
I am not a Christian only when I go to church or do my religious activities. Christianity is a “being”, It is our whole life is about.
Some people may not realize they box their vocation separately with their faith, and I personally think it need not to be that way.
Colossians 3:23-24 “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.
Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ”.
On last Saturday the Lord reminds me this truth. I’ve experienced a miracle in which I know it was God who took control, rather than a mere coincidence (it involved one of my commissioned works).
There, that His Spirit convicted me once again, that He is present when I work! I may not be aware of His presence, but He isn’t God that only “open His eyes when we sing worship songs and pray”.
He is God who will never sleep nor slumber (Psalm 121:4). And our life, with every little tiny details in it, IS our worship.
I am thankful that He speaks this significant reminder to myself, so this is what I’m sharing with you (and my “one word” for the year 2020 is WORSHIP! #timelyreminder).
To start with, I grew up in a broken family. I can say my childhood years were “okay”, not much I can really remember anyway. But stretching out my memory to the first diaries I wrote when I was around 11-12 years old, my life might not be as rosy as I dreamed of. There were suicidal words written at such a young age. I had written “God, help” some times although I had not really known who He was other than His name is “Jesus” (because I studied in Christian schools since my early childhood, but didn’t really know yet “why I believe in Him”, “who He is”, etc).
My family situation had become even more and more burdensome when I was 17 years old. At that time I’d just begun my study at uni in Melbourne. The issue apparently had existed long before, but I only began to really see it as “dark secrets” started to be revealed one by one.
Funnily enough, I’d never really ‘say’, ‘define’ or ‘proclaim’ my family was broken, not even until recently (the last 2 years perhaps). I know my family is not what a “normal” or “happy” family look like, but I had grown up within that kind of family circumstances for so many years, maybe I had been “indifferent” towards all the issues. Not in a way that “I don’t care”, though. Maybe I just “accept” it. I was not in denial either. I just “grieved deeply but life went on so pick up yourself, stand up, and walk again”. I didn’t like to talk into the details (many are just too “crazy story”, but this is my life reality). My heart (maybe) continued to cry for help, love, and comfort, but I didn’t actively do anything other than kept them to myself.
I’m not really sure why now is the time to write about this. I just feel I want to, but only to the extent I’m willing to. I hope, and I pray, that everything I have gone through will be used for God’s glory, nothing happens in our life is a coincidence.
Someone else maybe needs the same encouragement, love, and assurance. And I hope as I write more about this, the Lord can use it to bless another person wherever she/he is. I guess I am only “open” to share whenever His Spirit calls me to. Like what I am doing now. I am just following the prompt/urge to write. I wouldn’t have the “courage”/boldness otherwise. And also perhaps, this is also to bless my own self. It may sound “selfish”, but it just comes to my mind that maybe I myself need to be part of this healing process, allowing myself to be more vulnerable by opening up more. We are here together, I am not at a “higher” position or anything else just because of what I have known and experienced.
For now I just want us to take these points to conclude (as a soul note to myself too):
Whether you have broken dream, broken life, broken heart, the Lord is SO MUCH GREATER than your and my brokenness.
His love isn’t determined by our life circumstances or “how good we are”. He loves us because HE IS LOVE. There is no hate in Him (other than hate the sin), and no favouritism. His love is no less just because we are broken and sinful. His love remain the same at the lowest point of our life.
Through the pain, hurt, disappointment in life His love shall comfort us even deeper.
Through the impossible circumstances His power become more apparent.
Take heart and find rest in His presence, and see His rescue always come in the perfect time. Even though we are broken, rejoice! because He delights in you and me.
“That is why, for Christ’ sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” – 2 Corinthians 12:10
Nowadays “Love Wins” has become the mega-trending hashtag, and there are countless movements in this world fighting for “love” and “peace” for decades.
“Only one thing can unite us all: Love”, the world proclaim.
This evidently shows that love is considered as something significant for this world, not only to Christians.
As human being, what is natural for us is to criticize those who are “different” than us. The larger the gap is, the harder to accept, appreciate, and value the differences.
It is very easy for us to say we love something we like (“Oh I really love your shoes!”, “Love that coffee!”), but it’d feel unreasonable for us to refer the word “love” to something we don’t (how could we say cheerfully “I really love how that annoying and rude lady treats me”).
When Jesus said we are no different than this world when we love only those who love us (those who are nice to us) and to “Love your enemies” (Matthew 5:43-48), this command really outstretches our human capacity and is against our intuitive.
I personally have been “forced” from time to time to love not only those whom I do not ‘like’, but particularly also those who have constantly hurt me by lies and deceptions. I was raised in a family background where infidelity is apparent, and honesty is undervalued. It is a long journey to overcome bitterness at all possible levels since I was a young adult. By God’s grace alone His love continues to overcome and now I no longer see myself as a ‘victim’. Yet the hard battle is still ongoing, and forgiveness needs to be released day by day.
Needless to say, I cannot love to this extent if it depends on my own will.
We all need divine power to be able to love like Jesus loves — that deep, radical, extravagant, unconditional love. Only by the power of His Spirit in us we can love and obey like Jesus did at the cross and died for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8).
The closer we get to God, the more clearly we will see ourselves as we really are (undeserving, “all human has sinned and fall short of the glory of God” – Romans 3:23). As long as we compare ourselves to others, we can always find someone who makes us feel good about how well we are doing. But when we step into God’s holiness, what once have seemed clean suddenly looks tarnished. How we do really need God’s grace so we are enabled to see this truth!
Yes it hurts us (our flesh) when we choose to love despite of not feeling like it. But lay our eyes once again at the cross, where Jesus has suffered all the pains on behalf of us.
The physical, emotional, and the most excruciating pain of all: being separated with the presence of God the Father at the final hours (“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Matthew 27:46). And all of these to endure our sins, not His.
Because Jesus has paid a greater debt of mine at the cross with His own life — willingly and freely, I now have the power to release the much lesser amount of debt from others (please read beautiful parable of the unforgiving debtor in Matthew 18:21-35).
May the power of the Gospel not only save, but also transform our life. Pray that His Spirit enable us to love when it is difficult to do so. Let His love wins over our self-centered and shallow kind of love — and lead us to a deeper, extravagant act in loving others.
Fast forward a month after I wrote my previous post below, I have been made redundant from my full time job.
Regardless it might have been “obvious” (the industry in which I worked – hotel and hospitality have got impacted real hard from the Covid19), the news was still shocking. But then all I looked forward to was my last day working. The least thing I wanted to deal with everything work-related. It’s like you were dump by your ex; the least thing you wanted to do was to clean up his belongings, or got asked questions about him and his stuff by other people (haha).
I cried when it happened. I cried a lot, and especially I also missed my mum more than the usual. The pain losing her is incomparable with losing this job. “This is only a job”, I told myself. It surely feels less burdensome to go through the redundancy after I have undergone the grief of losing my mother.
I simply believe God works in seasons, when one door closed the other door opens. I just need to follow where He leads me to.
This has strengthened my conviction even deeper, that only God is my strong foundation, only He is my Everlasting ROCK.
Through it all His words remain to be my steadfast anchor, it keeps me secured and not sinking to the bottomless sea of sadness, self-pity, and desperation.
God is good, He is always good.
This happened just two weeks ago, my last day working was last week and how I am so relieved.
There is beauty from shaky times. When the storm passed you can see a new horizon opens up. It helps you to see WHAT is truly important, and WHO deserves your utmost priority.
I am now simply embracing the slower pace of life, I feel like I have been given second chance. Isn’t this grace in time of need.
It is effortless to be joyful when things go well. When you receive a promotion, when your spouse treats you well, when your kid/s obey you exactly the way you want them to, when you get lovely thing/s, when you obtain approval or praise matter to you.
The world is at the same page with us on this.
However, without His Holy Spirit living in us it’d be impossible to rejoice through the trials. To still have joy in the midst of loss, grief, pain, betrayal, lies, distrust. Our human nature is not programmed to process and welcome these things in life. And yet that is exactly life brings. Life on this earth is never designed to be perfect, never purposed to be steady.
Once again, only Him – the Everlasting ROCK is unshakeable.
May we never lose sight on His immense grace and our purpose of life we have in Him.
Keep your hope up in the right Person. Stay safe, take care, and until next post 🙂
“You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,
“All employees to work from home for the next two weeks until further update” — this was told more than two weeks ago, and there is still no change as I am now entering the fourth week working from home.
Never did I imagine (I bet just like everyone else), the seriousness of the current international health crisis. I am very grateful that I can still have my full time job, working from home together with my husband who has also followed the same since last week. I have opted out my kids from school since the early state of emergency, and been using the online study and home school material provided by the teachers. Now that they are in school term break, we are happy to have them with us at home (although we are definitely challenged to keep them busy, be creative and entertained without involving too much screen time – a real challenge for any parents!). I, in particular, however still have concerns when the term break is over. Would it be safe for them to go to school again? We can only pray and surrender everything to God’s hands — He knows all, and have control of what’s going on in the world.
This picture was taken in January, when there were heavy bushfires — also a staggering incident in Australia… never did I thought how much more precious and scarce a protective mask would be a month after! 😷
The first days I started working from home, I tried to keep updated with the news as much as I could. This, however, did not bring me any peace. It has made me uneasy and hard to focus on what was necessary. Quickly I made a conscious decision, to align my priorities and feeding my mind with God’s words constantly (particularly early in the morning when I’m about to begin my day). It is important to know what’s going on around us, but if it only adds worry and fear to our mind it is not healthy and we need to make conscious decision to reverse our actions.
As I mentioned above, I am grateful that I can still work despite high numbers of redundancies and reduced working hours happening around. We can still do our grocery shopping, and able to hold our COOL (cell group) and Sunday service via online, though with imposed restrictions. Yes, our physical movement and social life are changed in considerable way but as I ponder deeper, the only “sacrifice” we need to make at the moment (by “staying at home”) actually only goes as far as restrictions and adjustments towards our own self convenience. (Praise the Lord) nothing changes in the way we pay our monthly mortgage, or the amount of food available in our fridge and pantry. We are also well and healthy.
Being surrounded with this kind of situation while there are others “out there” who are experiencing worse can make us living in our own bubble! The biggest temptation for myself personally is, to live my daily with this kind of mentality: “Crisis? What Crisis?” despite living in the midst of a real one, and this can be deceiving! It is dangerous and deceitful as it tempts me to put my confidence in what I own (the blessings), rather than on the Giver of the blessings (read:idolatry, and idolatry is never a light issue in Christianity — it is a blatant SIN, and we can’t let sin be part of our daily life. Daily repentance is mandatory).
Also, I need to be aware not to become complacent and only focus on “myself and my family”. There are many opportunities for us to be God’s hands and feet although we are bounded by social distancing. Pray that His Spirit will give us the heart and creative ways to be assistance for those in need (eg. Around our own neighbourhood).
These things have become my everyday personal reflection, to keep my heart be intimately attached with His Spirit in the midst of this uncertainty.
To close with, this verse has become my “rhema” since last week:
Psalm 90:12
“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom”.
The Bible says “teach us”, why? Because it is something that human needs to study and learn time and time again (we are just like toddlers), that our days are not infinite. We make plans, we buy things, often forgetting this crucial truth in mind.
That’s why we need to stay close with His Spirit, to abide in Him daily. The more we learn, the more our mind is transformed, the more we will be able to discern which lasts eternally, which lasts only a while while we are on earth.
May this closing verse be our prayer:
Psalm 86:11
“Teach me Your way, O LORD, that I may walk in Your truth. Give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name”
This is not only a time of health, social, and economy crisis. This is crisis in our spirituality. May we not become forgetful who we really are, mere dusts if it isn’t because of God’s grace sustaining our life and our loved ones’.
I can’t believe the last time I updated my blog was last year July! 😱
I still continue writing almost everyday though, either on my journal or on my Instagram as a “micro blog post” @CrunchyNat (under hashtag #crunchynatsjournal). I guess writing to let out what’s in my heart has been a major part of my daily life, of what makes me “me” since many many years ago (hello Year-6 Nat 👋😋). Writing on Instagram with limited words limit also assists me to “keep it short and simple; to the point”, otherwise I’d be babbling a lot more words…. like what I am doing atm 😃
OK, back to my intention to keeping you updated with how my life is now….
Many, many things and occurrences have happened since July last year…
And you know the first thing that comes up to my mind which I’d like to share with you; the major thing which, sadly, not so much about happy news at all, is I lost my beloved mum on December 12th 2019.
Months before that when she was sick have been the toughest months in my life, and those days after losing her were the most saddest days in my life….
Yes my life has had many heartaches, but nothing compared with those days…. the pain, the hurt, the loss…
I have written quite many posts about my feelings during this period on Instagram, and that helped. It helps to not keeping the sadness to myself, it helps to record this grieving journey in words. Although to this date I still “refuse” to look at my “treasure box” filled with her pictures and her things (which I managed to bring back here after her funeral in Indonesia)…
Where there is great sadness, there is also greater grace.
This is what I have experienced through this trial….
If it wasn’t because of God’s words and His assuring presence, I wouldn’t be where I am now, and I wouldn’t be able to endure all the emotional pains this “well”…
This has indeed brought me to another level of relationship with Him, another dimension that I’ve never experienced before, a deeper bond, a greater trust in His loving goodness…
Some days are still hard, and the loss will always remain as a scar in my heart I suppose… It’ll never go disappear… and to His immense grace I will cling my hope onto.
— Moving on to another update…
I have started working full time since October last year. This is my first full-time job after 7 years!! Yes, in between those years I managed to work part-time when I was pregnant with Arielle at a small take-away sandwich place nearby. I also earned some “pocket money” through my arts-making. Nonetheless, to have a “proper” job after those so many years felt surreal… felt like those 7-years were like just “months or a year ago” 😮 Yes, that’s how fast time in my life has flown away…
Things that are so much different compared with my previous corporate working experience 7 years ago: hello flexibility to work from home, hi online meetings (Webex, Zoom, Microsoft Teams) – haha!
I am so grateful many years ago when Aimee was still 3 years old, God has begun to teach me a lot about finding my worth and security in Him alone, and not resting them upon “my capability to earn money” (#tbt to this post I wrote back then “What Success is (For Me)”-2015). It’s like setting my heart right and building a strong foundation for this new season, God is awesome indeed!
This question came to my mind several times during the last year or two (when Arielle has passed her “babyhood” period), “when would be the right time for me to be back working full time again?“. Amazingly, I’d always have this peace and assurance inside my heart that I have nothing to worry about, “when the time comes, He’ll provide“. Until this season arrived, I’m happy to be extra wise with my lifestyle and spending budget (and need to always keep this in my mind, as a “wise steward” being entrusted with God’s blessings) .
He has proven just one more time (again and again) that He is faithful, He will never fail me, and His timing is always the best! 🙌
— Last necessary update (for now)…. is the major situation happening around the world at the moment… that staying home is actually saving lives…
This is my third week working from home. Many adjustments (not only limitation in our movement and social life, but also some new realities that my mind is “forced” to see, and accept).
Life is not getting any easier, right.
I’m planning to write my experience related with that last update in a different post.
Random Art Made by Yours Truly 😊
Last but not least, thank you so much for reading this… if you’d like to drop one or two words (or more) in the comment is always welcomed.
I hope you are all staying safe and well too, and keep your hope lights up no matter how hard and tough some days are… whenever there is hope (and faith), there will always be that affirmation that the dark cloud won’t always be there, clear sky and sunshine WILL one day come!
It is true that marriage clearly isn’t always about rainbows 🌈 and butterflies 🦋,
Some of our marriage days require harder works than ever.
We are thankful we marry the one we love, but “love” especially origins within our own self is fickle.
SELF is often prioritised, especially when we are faced with difference in expectations.
However, tension-causing differences can become blessings in disguise where we learn to complement one another. After all God did not mass produce us, including our husband/wife. I need to learn to respect and value the differences in characters between I and my husband, instead of complaining against it (need a changed and renewed perspective by His Spirit!).
One also says, “I can be selfish and married, but I cannot be selfish and HAPPILY married”.
How true is this!
Marriage is one way God interrupts our preoccupation with ourselves.
As we grow as a couple, I need to learn to focus on meeting my husband’s needs (believe me, although I love him, sometimes this is still unnatural for me to do). But I mustn’t give up!
Because when I focus on getting my needs met, I end up swimming upstream, against the current.
And swimming against the current, as you can imagine, is VERY EXHAUSTING over time!
I learn that there are two keys to changing the current: #HUMILITY and #PRAYER.
When we stay humble and stay hungry, there’s nothing God cannot do in us and through us! That certainly applies to marriage. When I walk in Christ-like humility and have a desire for oneness, I gain wisdom and experience — instead of repeating my same selfish patterns.
Ephesians 4:2 reminds us,
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Humility is the key to unity.
And prayer is the key to humility.
It’s recognition that I cannot do this in my own strength, with my own wisdom.
I like the NKJV translation for the above verse, “..with long suffering, bearing one another in love”. LONG. SUFFERING. It takes time, it takes process, it’s not an instant!
If you want a beautiful garden you have to work on it! Plant the seeds, cultivate the soils, fertilize, pulling out the weeds (what gardening teaches me practically).
You certainly cannot just “sit and relax” and expecting the soil to grow flowers by itself 😉
Last but not least,
PRAYER is as important to marriage as anything we’ll ever do. 👉🏻I’ll never be a perfect spouse, but I can be a praying spouse 👈🏻
There are moments in marriage when prayer is all we have left, but that doesn’t mean it should be a last resort.
And “funnily” (and I sometimes say “annoyingly” haha) enough, when I pray and surrender my marriage into God’s hands, PRAYER changes ME most instead of my husband!
Isn’t that just wonderful the way God works in our sanctification process!
If you’re a married couple (or soon 😉), let’s not aim to have a “smooth sailing marriage” (because there is none!), but to have a marriage that glorifying Christ, a place where husband and wife are committed to worship Christ THROUGH marriage.
There will be tensions, but as each of us committed to obey God’s wills, not self, we will enjoy the sweetness of the marriage for many many years to come ❤️
My Thoughts... My Life... 